My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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