if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
