I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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