there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize
