So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
