I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
