why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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