What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
