My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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