the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
