my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
