Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
