He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
