Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
