i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
