all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
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