guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
