You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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