Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
