ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
