I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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