he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
