I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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