Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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