i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Randomize
