i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
