Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
