I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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