I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
