Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
