There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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