we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
