the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
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