like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
