Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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