I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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