I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm like, not good at living.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
