So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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