watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
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