I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
