her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
