that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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