Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
