I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
