Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
