WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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