The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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