On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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