i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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