What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
